Imagine you’re sitting in a job interview and the manager asks the dreaded question- “What are your strengths and weaknesses?” Your typical response? Focus on your strengths and downplay the weaknesses. Somehow make your “weakness” sound like a strength, a benefit to the organization. Like- “my weakness is that I work too hard” or “I struggle to leave at the end of the work day because I’m so passionate about this job.” Or “I’m so good at my job it makes others feel inferior.” Okay, maybe not quite that far.
My response in these situations has been: “I tend to avoid conflict.”
Conflict. It makes most of us uncomfortable. Some of us say we hate it. Some of us claim to thrive in it. But regardless of how you feel about it, you will experience it. There is no getting around it. Even if you are like me and you hope to avoid any and all unnecessary conflict, you still have to be able to handle the unavoidable conflict well.
There are all kinds of things that we can have conflict about. Politics is a big one – it’s currently very prevalent, but there are others. Lifestyle preferences and choice of relationships are often topics of conflict too. Even music or Spotify playlist for a road trip is grounds for conflict. In my experience the more intimate a relationship the more challenging the conflict resolution.
I’m currently navigating through a season of conflict with two people who are very important to me, my parents. They disagree with a big decision that I’ve made and the lingering conflict has brought about some of the most uncomfortable conversations that I’ve ever had.
10 out of 10 would not recommend it.
I’m torn because I love these people and I want a healthy relationship with them but I’m still an adult with the ability to make my own decisions. Conflict makes me nervous – I can’t help but feel some uncertainty. Will they respect me even if we don’t agree? And what does our relationship look like moving forward?
Like I shared earlier – I’m conflict adverse, but over the years of trial and error I have learned a few things about how to deal with conflict in a healthy way. I can now recognize the signs my body is giving me when I start to get mad. My body gets warmer and thoughts become more rapid. I start to see every relationship and situation in a negative light even if they are predominately good. And then the worst part is the words that threaten to fly out of my mouth. I know now that when I’m at this point, it’s better for everybody if we don’t speak about the source of the conflict for at least a few minutes, even sometimes up to 24 hours. Conflict doesn’t always have to be dealt with right in the moment. Taking a beat is okay and sometimes even lends itself to a much better outcome.
Conflict literally makes me want to flee. There have been a few situations where I have actually run from the room, hung up the phone, drove away in my car, in the middle of a conversation. Running away from a conversation is different from saying “I need a minute.” It’s okay to set a boundary that you’re not ready to have that particular conversation, but that is different than abruptly leaving the room. I’ve learned there’s a polite way to compose yourself, acknowledge that this topic does need to be talked about, but that you need a moment to process, and you’ll circle back. It’s also true that sometimes when you have a desire to run it is still better to take a breath and push through. When I’m able to lean into the conversation – even if I’m a little uncomfortable – that can lead to a quicker resolution.
Another thing I’ve learned, that in particular applies to the disagreement with my parents, is that conflict doesn’t automatically mean that either person is wrong. There’s no moral failure or law breaking involved on either side of the decision. It’s more about how we treat each other in the midst of being on different sides than it is about changing their minds. It’s about treating the other person with respect and understanding even as you stand firm with a different decision.
Even Jesus had conflict with close relationships in his life. During the wedding at Cana right before Jesus performed His first miracle His mother wanted Him to fix the problem. She wanted Him to make more wine! And at first he said, “My hour has not yet come.” He was, essentially, disagreeing with her. Jesus also had conflict with the religious leaders many times, ultimately leading to His death on the cross. But the conflict that sticks out the most to me was with Judas, the disciple who betrayed Him.
Judas, one of Jesus’ most trusted friends, was paid thirty pieces of silver to betray Him. Thirty pieces of silver – that’s about $250 in today’s money. A couple hundred dollars to lead the church leaders to Jesus. When Judas showed up with a large crowd armed with swords and clubs to arrest his friend, do you know what Jesus said? “Do what you came for, friend.” Even in the midst of betrayal, Jesus called him friend. He chose to extend grace and love.
I don’t think there’s a better example out there of how to treat people in the midst of conflict. The next time you are at work wondering how to handle conflict, at home communicating with a family member you know will disagree, or on a road trip arguing over a Spotify playlist, take a breath – consider if the situation needs composed attention or space, and think about the example Jesus set.
