When I first heard the words “21 Days of Prayer” last year, my heart leapt with anticipation and excitement! My spiritual cup had been running on near empty for so long and I just knew that this was what my soul needed.
I could not think of a better way to fill my cup than to be there for this experience and serve others as well. I immediately signed up to run tech Monday through Friday.
We were doing this at every campus, every day for 21 straight days, two hours, bright and early every morning, and it was going to be amazing! Or so I thought…
Let’s back up to the week before 21 Days started in 2024. My family was coming off a rocky holiday season and our spirits were a little low. Our 2nd vehicle had to be put in the shop; this meant that my husband Josh would now have to get up early with me, drop me off at our campus, and then return home to get our children ready for school. Now, Josh is definitely not the morning person in our family – so this was no easy feat.
Our car issues also meant that unless I asked for a ride, I would be working at our campus until Josh got off of work and could come pick me up.
It was complicated. Worry, stress, and fear began to set in. I worried that I had taken on more than I could handle, I worried how this would affect my marriage, I worried how my campus would make 21 Days happen if I just threw in the towel and said “No, I can’t help”.
I was too embarrassed to share those feelings with anyone. On top of that, I felt guilt. Anticipation and excitement had turned to dread.
I nervously awaited the following week.
The first Sunday of 21 Days was great! The room was full, people showed up and moved through the stations, people prayed together and connected. The feeling was simply amazing.
But Day 2, I sat in disbelief, as only four people showed up – three of whom were there serving.
The message was on point, worship was filling, and yet I was still frustrated. I was angry and could not understand. I knew deep in my heart this event was a good thing, yet no one showed up!
When it came time to pray, I simply sat in silence on the floor behind the tech booth. I asked God to show me the light in the middle of the mess that my heart was in. I ended up in tears before the time was over. I just could not understand why God would put me through all of this and leave me feeling so let down.
Then as if it wasn’t bad enough for me already, we had an all staff meeting that same morning where everyone else shared the “highlight reel” of their 21 Days experience. I tried to force a smile and hide the look of disappointment on my face, as I couldn’t think of a single highlight.
The next few days would go about the same for me. We had about the same number of people show up each day: FOUR. Only four.
I struggled to show up and put on a smile. My biggest fear was that someone would catch on to my misery. I did not want my frustrations to impact someone else’s experience., so I mostly stayed to myself, only offering a greeting if someone else spoke first. I could not wait for that first week to be over. I thought surely it could only go up from there, right?
Wrong.
Week 2 began with a phone call from my Mom. She had been diagnosed with breast cancer at age 76. The doctor had found a sizable tumor and she would need surgery to remove it.
I went completely numb. I barely had the bandwidth for 21 Days. The next two weeks were a blur of motions. My only focus was to set up tech, silently beg and plead with God to heal my mom, cry, and then get out of there as fast as I could. I couldn’t wait for the whole thing to be over so I could breathe again.
I felt a wave of relief when day 21 arrived and yet, even more guilt for feeling relieved. Before 21 Days of prayer, I would spend an hour each morning, talking to God, reading the Bible and working through a devotional. After 21 Days, I took a hiatus from that. I was still hurting, and it took several months for me to process the emotional roller coaster I went through. I had to unpack my frustration, fear, and disappointment.
So, instead of a planned time with God, I began to just openly talk to him. I talked to God while sitting on the front porch, or feeding cows – while driving in the car, or doing laundry. I listened with an open heart – and unclenched fists – so I could truly receive what He wanted for me.
What I found is that God was right there with me AND working on me the whole time during 21 Days. In all of my stress, guilt, worry and heartache, God provided a way for me. He made me face my pride and be vulnerable. He listened even when I was angry at Him. He was with Josh and I – He helped open our communication, while we were tested through the busy schedule of those few three weeks. He held me close while I wept in worry for my Mom. He brought others to lay a hand on my shoulders and pray for me even when I couldn’t get the words out.
God reminded me, through my weakness, that I am beautifully and wonderfully human and that I cannot do it all on my own. And the truly wonderful part is that I don’t have to.
All this time, I thought I had this horrible experience. The truth is that there were beautiful moments in the mess and struggle – I just wasn’t open to see them and appreciate them at the time. Since then, I’ve been able to work through several things that have been weighing on my heart and I was able to recenter my focus on God.
With everything I have been through and learned, I found myself looking forward to this daily habit in 2025 and will continue to anticipate future 21 Days of Prayer with a renewed sense of HOPE. Not hope that the 21 days will be some extravagant experience or better than the first year, just HOPE that I will remain fully open to the bigger picture of what God has planned for me.
